Part 2-
Like I said before, my youngest who is now 15 was first diagnosed at the age of 4. We new there was something going on since he was about 2. He would only sleep about 2 hours a night and his anger and temper tantrums were not of the normal kind. I remember once when he was 3 or 4 he pulled down his curtains and broke apart the curtain rod swinging it around saying “come and get me mommy”. He broke his night light and cut his hand on purpous with a peace of the glass. As it bled he just looked at me and frankly said “look at what you made me do now” At the age of two one example, he got so angry just because I stood infront of the door so he wouldn’t leave without me, he bit my leg so hard blood just ran down my leg. The nerologist that we went to for help saw this and the nurse was freaking out saying I needed stitches. The nerologist said I needed parenting classes and it was all my fault. I left the office feeling so hopeless and lost. Then we finally found the answer. His name ws Dr. Douglas Riley. He has written several books one of which is “The Defiant Child: A Parent’s Guide to Oppositional Defiant Disorder”. I highly recommend this book with any child with ODD or Bipolar Disorder. He became my son’s (Christopher) therapist for the next 5 years until we moved from Virginia to Tennessee. We learned alot from him on behavior modification, proper restaints, and a lot of counseling for all of us to cope. He recommended psyciatrist’s that we used for med’s and more advise. Once we moved, there was a time where he did not take any meds when we first got to Tennessee. I worked with him non stop to where he was able to tell you when he was getting ready to be manic and do things like his own creation of a time out to cool off until the feeling went away. Going through puberty is another story. As he started to get older and bigger he had to go back on meds. Was hospitalized several times and spent two long stents in an intensive treatment facility in Memphis. The last visit lasted over 6 months.He also has been in front of a judge due to his violent outbursts. Mainly it was all school related. Once he pulled a knife on his brother and another time he hit his dad and brother and threatened to kill them so we had to call the police. He has been back home with us from the intensive treatment facility in Memphis since Sept. and life is much better. He is a thousand percent better. Doing well in school and home like with chores and following the rules. He is involved with a local church and does the youth program on Wed. night and Sun. evenings.
Even though I was only diagnosed 2 years ago I have been dealing with this disability for much longer and can think of numerous times I could have or should have been in a hospital. When I first got married to Chris everything was great. (and still is with him) I worked, took care of the house. I always felt I had to do everything like my life used to be. He would help with the kids and other things and I would feel guilty for him doing these things like he had to but he didn’t. He did these things because he wanted to. I used to work at the corporate office of a major national bank. It all started then. (1997 I think) On Sundays I went in to work to get caught up on paperwork and we ran a small crew for customer care that I supervised. It was the one day I wasn’t rushing to get out the door with two kids to take to school or having to get my husbands things together for his job. It was a quiet ride in. I should have been relaxed but instead I started to have panic attacks to the point I had to pull over to the side of the road. (the reason I would later find out was because my subconscious was freaking out. Being relaxed was wrong. I was supposed to be busy nonstop. My subconscious was trying to say you must be forgetting something or someone) Even though my marriage was great I would cry for no reason. Really, I couldn’t tell you why. I didn’t know. I had to fight to get out of bed in the morning to go to work and never left the bed on my days off. I knew I needed to do something so I went to my DR. and found a therapist. At that time I was just diagnosed with depression and put on Zoloft. I called it my happy pill and it worked for a while.After hashing out all of the evil’s of my past and confronting my father I started to feel better. So, I weened myself off of the med’s thinking I didn’t need them anymore. My way of thinking was the med’s were a temperary fix until you felt better. This was true in away for the next couple of years. I was riding a happy manic high. I slept little and was busy all the time. I could conquer the world. My parents stayed in our lives more for the kids sake than anything else. When we moved to Tennessee in 2002 my parents moved with us and was living under our roof. I was so depressed when we first got there I barely left the room for the first 3 months.
Money was getting tight and I told my husband and father they needed to help. What I didn’t know till later was that my husband was going through his own depression. He stayed in his office playing games and surfing the net. My dad did nothing but gamble and make himself appear to be “looking” for a job. It’s now been a year and we are being evicted. My dad got ahold of our money ($5800) that we were to use to move (I had found a place for us) and went to Tunica and lost it all on the craps tables and all I got was an “I’m sorry”) No money, no place to go, I’m loading up moving trucks and slowly losing it. I ended up in the corner of the closet in the fetal position saying over and over”I want to sleep and never wake up) My parents went into the other room and told my husband I was being selfish and needed to fix things. My oldest overheard them and told them they were the selfish ones. I finally sucked it down and went to a friend and cryed my eyes out telling him what was going on. He loaned us the money and gave us a fridge he had in his garage so we could put food in it. Mom and dad were on their own. Magically they came up with enough money for a trailer that was to close for comfort. (only 5 miles down the road) My husband, Chris, and I started going out alot and I started doing a lot of extacy and then meth. I was self medicating and also without knowing in self destruct mode. We did this on and off for about a year when one day it hit me that I was not being the parent I promised myself I would be to the kids and dropped all the drug use. See, I didn’t want to be like my parents. They treated me as if I always owed them and needed to tend to them and think of them. My feelings didn’t matter. Well, kids don’t ask to be put on this earth. we decide to do this and if you decide to have and keep your children then you owe THEM the best you can give them. I started to ride a high manic again. (conquer the world) I was working in customer care and taking care of my 2 boys and my husband. My parents were really a handful. we ended up buying them a car which my father totaled with no insurance and we paid 6 months worth of rent and living expenses. Our mistake was we gave them the money and should have paid the landlord and bills direclty. (lesson learned) Work started to get real stressful and I got word that my uncle had died in Mo.in a freak tractor accident (my uncle and 2 aunts were between 5-8 years older than me so the time I spent there growing up we were like brother and sisters) Less than 6 months after that I got news my aunt died while driving home. She hit a patch of ice and wrecked. My dog was dog napped and my best friend (a wonderful cat) died. Depression kicked in hard. I couldn’t get out of bed. Literally, I would cry because my body was a dead weight and would not move no matter how hard I tried. My husband got me a psychiatrist and it was recommended I go into the hospital due to feelings of despair and wanting to not wake up. They were worried I would try to hurt myself. So, 1st time in a hospital.
It took a long time to get the med’s right and I went into the hospital 3 more times. I lost my job. Before my last hospitalization my parents (who were being evicted) convinced my husband that they should move in with us. They could help with the bills and watch over me. LOL LMAO They didn’t work, stayed up all hours with the tv blaring, eating all the food, and acting like they owned the place. I stayed mainly in the bedroom because I just couldn’t deal with them. We fought with them often. While my youngest was in the treatment facility I got into a huge argument with my dad that he had started. I remember just wanting the pain to stop and with out thought or self control I took a bottle of Klonopin. I remember feeling as though I was outside of my body watching myself screaming stop! don’t take those. But I couldn’t stop. My husband called 911. The police were there and the ambulance was pulling in. At this point I was in and out of conscious and my dad just sat there and looked at me and said “Ya know Cindy, you’re a farcking whore” Great dad huh?
Soon after that, they were supposed to be moving. They had a place and the money for it but were being to lazy to do it. After being questioned when the move was to take place by my husband, my dad started an argument trying to get my husband to physically to fight him calling him a “p*ssy”. My oldest was in the other room listening to this so I got in the middle and told my dad to start acting like a grown up and think of your grandson in the other room. He started to yell and threatening me. (wrong move) Both of my boys I am close to and they are over protective of me. My son,Anthony cam out of his room, got in between us and said “that is enough. You will not talk to her that way and I am tired of always hearing your mouth. Your ars is moving today if I have to move your stuff my self out into the street.” Then my dad looked at him and I and said “I hate you both” They moved that day and we cut off all communication with them. I had to get rid of what was toxic in my life and they are toxic for my sanity. I’m finally on the right med’s or should I say good enough for now. I still have ups and downs but nowhere as severe or as long. And I haven’t been back to the hospital since. A couple of close calls but was able to get back on track.
So 2 pages and you have the Cliff notes version of my life. Feel free to comment or ask questions. I will read and reply the best I can. Thanks for listening or I mean reading.
