Lost in my own Head

I hate feeling this way. I’m depressed and can’t tell you why. I get angry and really can’t tell you why. It’s everything yet it’s nothing. Thoughts run through my head like Nascar on crack, moving so fast I can’t process even one thought. Anxious and full of anxiety I’m a 1/2 step away from a panic attack if I’m lucky. Try not to lose it all the way. Don’t want to go back to the hospital. That would be and has been to hard on my kids to see mom go to the hospital. Why, I always wonder knowing I won’t hear anything back. Feel like I’m screaming but nothing comes out. This is how I feel when I am at my worst. I’m now on the tail end coming out of the fog that is manic. Then comes the guilt of feeling bad about myself. What did the kids see or go through? (I don’t always remember everything during an episode) What did my husband have to deal with? And yet he still loves me unconditionally. The clouds are parting and now I am feeling better. The Nascar thoughts are starting to slow down. The depression stays though. Depression is the one constant. Manic depression or depression from being in a manic. Depression from my past and everything.

Another Song

You will get used to me refering to music. Music is my savior. Here are the lyrics to “my” theme song. It fits alot of us I’m sure. It’s a fun song:

“Unwell”

All day
Staring at the ceiling
Making friends with shadows on my wall
All night
Hearing voices telling me
That I should get some sleep
Because tomorrow might be good for something
Hold on
I’m feeling like I’m headed for a
Breakdown
I don’t know why
I’m not crazy, I’m just a little unwell
I know, right now you can’t tell
But stay awhile and maybe then you’ll see
A different side of me
I’m not crazy, I’m just a little impaired
I know, right now you don’t care
But soon enough you’re gonna think of me
And how I used to be
Me
Talking to myself in public
Dodging glances on the train
I know
I know they’ve all been talking ’bout me
I can hear them whisper
And it makes me think there must be something wrong
With me
Out of all the hours thinking
Somehow
I’ve lost my mind
I’m not crazy, I’m just a little unwell
I know, right now you can’t tell
But stay awhile and maybe then you’ll see
A different side of me
I’m not crazy, I’m just a little impaired
I know right now you don’t care
But soon enough you’re gonna think of me
And how I used to be
I been talking in my sleep
Pretty soon they’ll come to get me
Yeah, they’re taking me away
I’m not crazy, I’m just a little unwell
I know, right now you can’t tell
But stay awhile and maybe then you’ll see
A different side of me
I’m not crazy I’m just a little impaired
I know, right now you don’t care
But soon enough you’re gonna think of me
And how I used to be
Hey, how I used to be
How I used to be, yeah
Well I’m just a little unwell
How I used to be
How I used to be

Inspiration

DJ Tiesto has a song called “Just Be”. I use the lyrics to try to stay strong and inspired. Here are the words:

You can travel the world
But you can’t run away
From the person you are in your heart
You can be who you want to be
Make us believe in you
Keep all your light in the dark
If you’re searchin for truth
You must look in the mirror
And make sense of what you can see
Just be
Just be

They say learning to love yourself
Is the first step
That you take when you want to be real
Flying on planes to exotic locations
Won’t teach you
How you really feel
Face up to the fact
That you are who you are
Nothing can change that belief
Just be
Just be

’cause now I know
It’s not so far
To where I go
The hardest part
Is inside me
I need
To just be
Just be

Just be
Just be
Just be

I was lost
And I’m still lost
But I feel so much better

’cause now I know
It’s not so far
To were I go
The hardest part
Is inside me
I need
To just be
Just be